Off Week

I don't know what it is. I don't know why it seems like everyone I know, including myself, is having an off-week, a week where we are short, tired, cranky, and otherwise not ourselves. Part of it is post-CIY exhaustion. For me it's partially post-summer burn-out (6 weeks without much of a day off...also known as breaking the Sabbath). I had a bad day in the office Monday and part of Thursday. This doesn't help things. What I really hate is that I take out my frustration on my family, particularly my 3-year old who is only guilty of acting like a 3-year old. When I'm short, it's with him that I'm the most ill-tempered and short-fused. He wanted me to carry him up the stairs by his ankles (a little ritual we've developed). I refused, telling him (read: lying) that I was too tired. I spanked him when he wouldn't walk up the stairs on his own. I had to sit on him to get him to brush his teeth. He's crying and I'm getting angrier by the second. I put him in bed withought a good night and "I love you." As I'm walking out I hear, "Daddy, come sit with me for a couple minutes." I do, somewhat begrudgingly, wishing he would just go to bed. He reaches out for my hand to hold it as he falls asleep. I give it to him and realize at that moment that he understands grace better than I ever have. As horribly as I treat my son at times, he still loves me and offers me his hand to hold as he falls asleep.

God, I want to be better at living than I am. I'm tired of the old me. I want him to die for good, instead of taking a vacation once in a while and coming back well rested to torture me some more.

By the way, I felt like this picture after I realized all of the above.

shalom, matt