Why Church Bothers Me (Sometimes), or How Not to Suck -- Part One

I have no specific church in mind when writing this because, to some extent or another, every church I’ve been in is guilty of bothering me for some or all of the following reasons. Not every church is guilty of each and every one of the “violations,” nor are they committed every single Sunday. Furthermore, I’m not nearly as arrogant as this makes me sound, nor do I believe that churches exist for the sole purpose of not bothering me. What I’m offering here are some “improvements” that churches could make to better engage our current cultural sensitivities and tendencies. Basically, here’s how you can stop bothering me and/or keep from sucking.

(First): Focus on stuff that matters, theologically and is relevant to my life. Your “proofs” for the Virgin Birth, while of interest to you have zero relevance to my life. Whether God “overshadowed” Mary or Joseph—ahem—took care of it the “old-fashioned way” (and the gospel writers insert the Virgin Birth as a myth to “compete” with Roman mythology of the birth of the Caesars and the gods) is of no consequence to my 6-6 factory life and how I interact with the world. Focus on the resurrection, for instance, and why it still matters today. Don’t “prove” it; tell me that it didn’t just happen but that it still happens today. I want to know what a resurrected life looks like in a factory.

(Second): Stop dealing in nothing but certainties, as if everything in life and faith and Scripture is black and white. Few things are that neat and tidy, especially when it comes to the spiritual. Jesus told Nicodemus, “The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit" (John 3:8). This is not a God who is not neat, tidy, and so easily pinned down to definition. God is not “certain”; He is wild, untamable and unpredictable (except when it comes to love and grace). The Bible contains contradictions, gray areas, culturally based admonitions now made irrelevant, and parts that are downright confusing, disturbing and weird. My life is too gray and uncertain for you to deal in nothing but black and white. Show me the cloudy, disturbing, confusing gray areas. I need a faith that looks like my life so that my life can look more like my faith.

(Third): In your effort to make everything black and white and certain you inundate me with steps, lists of stuff to “keep in mind,” “take note of,” or “action steps” to undertake. It isn’t uncommon for you to have three points, 5 subpoints for each point, and, for the love of Jehovah, three points worth of conclusion and action steps. Alcoholics Anonymous doesn’t have as many steps and bullet points as your sermons. Stop. Give me one thing to hold on to, one key idea to meditate on throughout the week. If you want, give me options of steps I can take to live out the teaching: “Try one of the following this week…” I can’t remember if I washed my hair while standing naked and soaked in my shower, how can I remember a main idea buried underneath 12 points, sub-points and conclusions? The 1980’s and ‘90’s called and they want their sermon structure back. 

...to be continued...