I Don't Know

Ever wonder if God really knows what he is doing? I don't mean that blasphemously, but this week has thrown that question to the forefront of my mind. I can't see what he's doing right now with me, why I'm struggling financially in a job that has great possibility for good money. And this is not about getting rich; it's about simply paying my bills. Right now, I'm not even doing that. I'm fighting it. Badly. Depression is starting to rear its seven heads of dark hell and gnaw at my resolve to hang on.

So...

Okay, God, I'm really trying to hang on here, but it's a struggle. I'm struggling into the deepest part of my soul. I'm frustrated because I'm in a job that requires a personality opposite of mine. I'm frustrated because I'm in a job that is not my calling. I'm frustrated because, while I desperately want to go into ministry again, I have no desire to work in a church ever again. I'm frustrated because I'm working long hours and I have nothing to show for it, nothing to point to and say, "Look at what I earned." Mostly I'm frustrated because with all the people praying for me I don't really see much result from it. I don't know what I'm expecting out of it, but something other than what I'm getting. I can't keep on like this for much longer without completely falling apart. So, there you go. That's where I am. Now you know and everyone else reading this knows where I am. The ball is in your court.

shalom, matt