An Open Letter to the Fine Makers of Irish Spring Body Wash

Dear Fine Makers of Irish Spring Body Wash,

Greetings and salutations. I would like to take the opportunity to voice my endorsement of your fine product, Irish Spring Body Wash (original scent). I used it for the first time today, nay, 10 minutes ago and still smell Irish-y fresh. I lathered up with the Irish green goodness, per the instructions on the back of the bottle, conveniently placed for the ignorant shower-taker who can't seem to grasp the simple concept of cleaning their own body (Smell update: we are now at 12 minutes of smelling Irish and counting). I rinsed my lithe body off with softened water and was pleased to find that I indeed still smelled Irish Spring clean (not to be confused with Irish Spring cleaning, where Irish people try to remove the smell of mutton from the house). I'm not sure what Ireland smells like. I've always imagined it smelling like most other countries in the world: grassy, airy, 4-leaf-clovery, yet also wreaking of mutton, Guinness, and Bono. If Ireland smells like my left arm does right now (15 minutes post shower), then I'm moving tomorrow to the fine land of clover and that Lucky Charms guy.

I do have a question:

Can we really make the claim that body wash has an "8 hour Scent System." I mean, when I think of the word system I think of Cisco, Windows Vista (I didn't say "good systems!), Mac OS, a national government, health care, Social Security, and a 2-3 zone defense. I don't usually think smells. Can stink have a system? Are their tiny computers built into each molecule of body wash that sense when I smell like the underbelly of a foraging Irish sheep and I instead need to smell like the countryside the sheep is foraging in? "Warning! Warning!" the scent system screams, with Klaxon horns and the loud awooooooga! sound you hear on tugboats, "Stench is reaching dangerous, landfill-esque proportions! Release Irishness!" Perhaps you can enlighten me on what exactly this system is and how it works to keep me smelling Irish.

My thanks to you, the FMISBW, for the fact that 20 minutes after lathering up with your product I still smell like Irish shepherd.

shalom, matt

p.s. No leprechauns or rock stars were harmed in writing this post.